Saturday, March 7, 2009

A Baby

Saturday, March 7, 2009
Ladies...or men. Dont know who is out there reading this. I am going to be brutally honest tonight. I am really feeling this so I wanted to get it out. I really, really want another baby. Not that this matters but Kaylyn is now five and I do want another child...maybe two. I think its time. What is holding me back you ask? My weight! My weight is holding me back from everything. I feel like it is smothering me. Like I cant get ahead. If anyone can do the math you will know that I weigh over 200lbs (something I am not proud of) and there is no way that I could have a baby at my weight. My hubby said why not? Just go ahead and get it over with and then worry about my weight after I have the baby. I cant do that for several reasons.
  1. I am not at a healthy weight so if I were to get pregnant I would put on that much more weight that has to come off after the baby. My first pregnancy I gained close to 70lbs...if I do that again I will weigh over 300lbs by the time I am done. I cant do that.
  2. I know that at my weight now I would be a great gestational diabetes candidate. I dont need that. I am already in line for that my...mother has it and so does both of my grandmothers.
  3. Plus that would cause that much more stress on the baby. I couldnt knowingly put the baby in that position.
With all these reasons I know that its just not going to happen. Now is the struggle. This is the reason I want to lose the weight so bad. And forgive me but I am one of those instant gratification people. I like to see immediate results and that is just not happening. I know that isnt the way it goes but that is how I have always been.

Everytime I see someone with a baby I just get so upset. I know I shouldnt but I do. I just want one. It seems like everyone is having a baby and I am being left out. I know that is stupid but that is what my mind keeps thinking. Plus I have a cousing that just gave birth a couple of months ago and for some reason I got so upset. Dont get me wrong. I was happy for her but at the same time I was upset. Now I have another cousin that is having a baby and for the same reason this is bothering me too. I know I just need to suck it up and work towards loosing the weight.

I have all the strategies worked out in my head but I never act on them. I can go to the gym here and eat this...but I never do. I always stay in my same routine. Tonight for instance. I have been feeling sorry for my crazy self. We had mexican for dinner and then afterwards (just a few mins ago) I sat down to "blog" and watch tv. Instead I fixed myself a strawberry shortcake with whip cream and enjoyed every minute of it. I even contemplated on fixing myself another one...but I didnt. Lately I have been so down on myself.

As I said before my weight is consuming my life. It is all I think about and starting to drive me crazy. I talked to my hubby the other night and he just didnt understand why it was so important. He doesnt understand why I am not happy with myself when he is happy with me. He just doesnt understand it. Please pray for me. Please pray that I will get out of this funk and stop worrying about it so much. I want to lose this weight, I dont want it to be all talk. Once and for all I want to show everyone that I can do it!

I am sorry this post is here & there but I was trying to get it all off my chest.

8 comments:

Danita

*hugs* I will keep you in prayer.
Men do not understand these things.
I understand the wanting to lose weight before getting pregnant again.
I also have the I want another baby thing happen every now and then...of course I already have 3 and my husband had a vasectomy so it wont happen ever, but I do get jealous when other people have babies.

dmelen

I am in the same place as Danita and you. I get a twinge of jealousy around pregnant women. I have 3 boys and my husband has had a vasectomy but I would love to have more children.
As for your weight...check with your ob. I was over 200 lbs with 2 of my boys, had no complications and weighed 20 lbs less after the baby was born. Granted I put all the weight on in the months that followed but after the baby was born I was 20 lbs less then before being pregnant. My Dr was wonderful about me getting pregnant at that weight. Other than the weight I am I healthy active person, he had no negative things to say about it. And I have the most beautiful boys with no complications. I understand your worries, just check with your ob. The weight might not be as big as an issue as you think.
Praying and thinking of you,
Dawn

Angela

I totally understand where you are coming from. I weighed 177 when I got pg with my first and I gained 56 pounds. Then I only lost 30 before getting pg with my second, so I weighed 197. I only gained 27 pounds, and I lost all of it, but then through junk food eating and no exercise, I gained ten more.

I started WW 1.5 weeks ago at 207. I really want to have a third soon. In fact, my husband and I tried for four months (up until last month) but the whole time I was consumed with my weight, knowing that I did not truly want to be pregnant again this big. For months I had the attitude that your husband has, "I'll just go ahead and have another one...and then another one (we want four) and *then* lose all my weight." But you know what, in the mean time, I will be miserable!! I have really enjoyed being pregnant both times before, and I want to enjoy it again.

So I am on WW and lost 4.8 pounds my first week. I am only in my second week, but I keep just thinking the sooner I can lose this weight, the sooner I can be more content with myself and maybe go ahead and try for a third.

I say if you truly know that you will not be content if you get pregnant at this weight, then you are just going to have to kick it in high gear, as DANG hard as that is, and just work on the weight. And maybe you don't have to reach your goal weight before getting pg...just a certain amount? Who knows? You may lose 20 pounds and suddenly feel okay with it. Just give it time...and prayers. :)

the smiling fat girl

i'm with dmelen. I weighed 195 with my first pregnancy, but the other three I have been over 225 when starting. This past pregnancy I only gained seven pounds. So, Alicia, don't let your weight stop you from having another baby. Pray and ask God what his will would be for you and your family. Let God decide on when.... what an idea. Quit using birth control and trust God; see what happens. Just an idea.

Sorry you're down. I totally get it.

ME

Gracie

I weighed 250lbs when I became pregnant, unexpectantly, with my youngest daughter. I was TERRIFIED of putting on alot of weight during that pregnancy. In the end though, I only gained 11 lbs. Definately pray for direction in this decision. I had no intention of a second child, but God, in His infinate wisdom, had MUCH better plans for me. I'm praying for you.

natalie

Thanks for stopping by :)

Try to just take one day at a time. I read a few of your posts, and can tell your frustration with yourself and your weight. I'm sorry to read that, but you will be able to overcome this! It'll just take little steps, and you'll feel so much better. And if a baby is the end 'goal', that's fantastic! I will pray for you to have patience with yourself :)

Michele

Weight...something I've struggled with for over 10 years now. In 2007 I started Weight Watchers...lost 37 pounds and, as you have read, have had no problems getting pregnant. I too weigh over 200 pounds, but fortunately, I'm 5' 10" tall, so it doesn't really look it. If a baby is something you really want, then this is the motivation you need to get your weight under control...I will keep you in my thoughts and know that good things will come to you. Good luck.

Jen

UGHH - stupid weight!! It consumes me as well! You will get there...I can tell that you want it really bad and you will get it.
Just to shed some light:
I weighed 246 when I got pregnant with my daughter. I lost all my pregnancy weight (34lbs) and when I got pregnant with my son I weighed 247. Both pregnancies went well! (I gained 40 w/my second)
I just made sure that I tried to walk and swim(I was able to, it was the right season with both my kids) and watch what I ate as much as I could. I KNOW for a fact you won't gain 70lbs again...you are too conscious about it now - which is good. It will all work out!!!

 
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